Blah

And so I have been offered a job and I am graduating with a Master’s in Counseling tomorrow…Yet I do not feel as happy, fulfilled, or satisfied as I always thought I would. For one, I am not attending graduation because it is in KY, airfair bites, and, as a Registrar’s Office staff member, I have sat through a couple of those and I guess they are not that special to me anymore.

I feel a bit anxious though. I think it is in part because my seven year stretch of “higher education” is coming to a close and I feel somewhat lost without the familiar routine of two-week Christmas breaks, mid-afternoon naps, wearing pj’s to class, and “hanging out” until dawn. I guess going to school is all I have ever done. I’ve done it well and have grown accustomed to relying on my grades for measuring life. It’s all about to change and I don’t think I want it to.

It’s not that I want to do more school, although my husband has told me in no uncertain terms that I will not be having his babies without a Ph.D.; it’s just that I am not ready for the restricted rigidity of the working world. I feel that I have been confined to doing school, albeit voluntarily, for the past 18 years and I really just want to take a big long break from it all and figure out what it is I really want from life and who I am. Call it senioritis, feeling sorry for myself or whatever else, but at this point, I want to just be, for however long it takes.

I have an idea of what I would like to do now: pack my bags and travel the globe. But that is unrealistic at this point because it requires much mula that Nathan and I don’t really have. Or, better yet, I would like to work for a mission organization, or any organization that works to accomplish a good cause, and travel the world that way. It does not have to pay much, just travel expenses and food. But where are these jobs? I have not been successful finding one as of yet. Let me know if you do.

At any rate, I have much to be thankful for, yet I feel somehow defeated and cheated (with the job offer too). I have worked for that goal, hiding from me in the distance for all these years and now that I have finally grabbed it by the throat…it does not feel that great. There are new goals to set, new peaks to conquer, etc. And I think that the one goal I want to pursue and invest in, which is traveling with a cause, is highly unrealistic and unreachable for me at this point, so I feel defeated and lazy about making any other goals.

So here I am, in the wake of my graduation, having the blues. Oh well, my husband is taking me shopping as a graduation present (although he does not know it yet), so maybe those brown boots will cheer me up.