Results Are In
Tuesday February 5, 2008 | 6 comments
Today we had another appointment with my doc in the big city. It went fine. Apparently, I do not have any confirmed aneurysms around the AVM, only a couple of suspicious spots that, I guess, are not enough of a worry right now. They could be overlapping parts of blood vessels or Elmo dancing in the rain, you know, the usual. The only way to be sure is to do catheter angiography, which the doc is not going for at this time since we are on the wait-an-see plan.
I admit, I am a little disappointed. Not that I wanted to have anything to do with a catheter, believe me, it’s just that I was still hoping for something more definitive and planned and controlled, but it’s not to be had. At least not at this time. I suppose I am still trying to take in this diagnosis and all the ugly uncertainty it entails.
One thing seems to be fairly indubitable—loss of visual field is guaranteed whether the AVM ruptures on its own or is surgically removed. Wait-and-see or go under the knife, this particular side-effect is unavoidable according to the doc. And I don’t like it. The side-effect. Not even a little. Not even at all.
Another sticky point is pregnancy. This is a very sensitive topic, as you can imagine, and it’s really hard for me to deal with this particular matter. It’s hard because I always thought we’d have our own biological children. I, in particular, have always wanted five. Nathan has agreed to one, so I think we decided three would be a fair compromise.
We have also considered adoption, but only in addition to the five, err, three biological babies I would naturally birth at home. As it stands now, natural birth is out of the question. I will be lucky if I am able to [1] conceive, [2] carry to term, [3] avoid a stroke or some such serious complication during pregnancy, and [4] deliver the baby.
I am only fixated on this hypothetical issue because I was told, and I quote, “The risk of pregnancy is not insignificant in your case.” Which, loosely translated, means, “Woman, you crazy!?” I now feel stuck in these words and I can’t seem to be able to untangle the mess. It’s very hard to adjust myself around this new truth because I’ve always believed and hoped for something different.
In my opinion, it’s one thing to discover complications when you are already half-way through your pregnancy. It’s something completely different when you know of your risks before you ever get pregnant. Having a child in this case becomes a very planned, conscious, and weighed decision and it’s not at all an easy one.
I have no doubt God knows what He is doing and by saying this I mean that I know without a shadow of a doubt there is solid ground to be had in the midst of all this madness; nevertheless, right now I am struggling to find this solid ground, grab hold of it and stand up straight. I am thinking it might take a while.
{ Speak Your Mind }
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May our God hold you and your husband close during this very difficult time, Olga. Remember in the storms of life He is right there beside you holding you up. He is our ever present help in time of trouble and nothing is impossible with Him. May your strength and peace come thru Jesus today and in the days ahead.
In Christ,
Millie Atkinson at Mt. Bethel UMC Marietta GA
What difficult news to hear! Through your eloquent words, I can imagine the disappointment, frustration, and the struggles you are going through. I am sorry to hear the additional news regarding children and pregnancy. My prayers go out to you and your family to find continued strength.
Oh believe me I know about the risks to pregnancy. I was told at 18 when I had a blood clot and got my diagnosis that pregnancy was possible but extremely risky. I’ve been told with each passing miscarriage that I’m putting myself at risk. For awhile I was told that getting pregnant again was out of the question. With this pregnancy I was told that I’m pretty stupid and if I dare think that I should have another child I’ll be hardpressed to find a doctor who will deal with me.
I don’t know what the outcome will be for me, but I do know that doctors don’t know everything. They can’t replace the hand of God in our lives.
We knew going into to each pregnancy the risks involved and you’re right, it’s hard having the knowledge and then making those choices, we’ve wavered more than once on our decisions.
I’m sorry that you guys are going through this. It’s a horrible feeling when the one thing that is supposed to come naturally to us becomes complicated and seemingly impossible.
hugs
Its good to hear that there are no aneurysms. I know these seem like little steps with no concrete answers but that’s what you and I have to deal with. Hang in there.I have an appt on the 19th. I will talk with you then. Sk
Hey lady. I’m sorry you didn’t get any concrete answers or difinitive direction but am also glad to hear that there are no aneurysms. I also grieve for you with the news regarding pregnancy. I can relate to your emotions and if you ever need to talk or e-mail I am more than happy to chat. I know you and Nathan will prayerfully consider your options and follow His leading. You have a lot going on right now and a big adjustment to make as you process and journey through the grief of this news regarding your health and the grief and loss of possibly not having biological children. We love you guys! We’re praying for you too.
Hey, I am so sorry to hear. I ran into Nathan’s parents a few weeks ago and we keep meaning to get in touch. Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. Say Hello to Nathan for us.